The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

So I just finished my screening of Sam Raimi's latest horror flick Drag Me to Hell. Despite the fact that Raimi has spent twenty years out of the horror genre, he hasn't lost his stride. Drag Me to Hell lines up nicely with his other works of horrific genius and is filled with multiple "Evil Dead" moments.

Christine Brown is a soft spoken young woman who works as a loan officer. Her rural upbringing causes her to be insecure at times, but she none the less is a self-motivated go getter that causes the audience to pull for her from start to end.

Christine has a difficult situation. In order for her to receive an important promotion (that she rightly deserves) she is forced to make a difficult decision. Should she grant an old repulsive woman named Mrs. Ganush, an extension on her loan or should she deny the plea and secure her promotion? Staring down the barrel of the decision and glimpsing ever so quickly to the empty chair she wishes to occupy, Christine makes up her mind nice and pretty and denies the old woman an extension.

This decision would have been all well and dandy if not for the fact that Mrs. Ganush is an evil vindictive freaking gypsy! Mrs. Ganush, in one of the most comical horror sequences since Army of Darkness, places a heavy curse upon Ms. Brown's head, a curse that turns the next three days of Christine's life into a living hell. An evil bounty has been placed upon the head of Christine Brown and the Lamia is coming to collect.

DMtH is filled with enough gross out antics and one liners to feel like classic Raimi, but is also balanced out with enough frightening moments to please even the most casual of horror fans. Whereas the film may be only rated Pg-13, this isn't one you'll want to let younger audiences watch. The depiction of unnamed characters being torn through the floor was slightly frightening even to me which may be due to my beliefs, but none the less DMtH isn't the sort of movie that should be viewed by anyone under the age of 13.

Being a fan of good horror and a big fan of Sam Raimi (and Bruce Campbell) I give this film a solid 8/10. The plot is original and strong enough to hold an audience and is precariously intriguing and well paced from start to finish. The cinematography and special effects weren't stunning but were believable.

Raimi is back with a vengeance and it would be a disservice of me to this film and to it's author(s) if I were to not recommend you watch it as soon as possible. Be wary, however, ye who enter here and abandon all hope for where it may have it's moments of lightheartedness in its own right, Drag Me to Hell is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

-scritch out

Don't even try

I don't expect you to follow the train of logic off a bridge or off a cliff to the market where I expect you'll find the man you want to be . . . who you'll spend your entire life as. The filthy mudbloods echoed softly to themselves as they leapt from building to building with such ease that it would have made superman look like a small squid that found himself served on a dish. Which is in no way relevant to the argument over all, whereas an octopus might hold some bearing or weight on the conversation as a whole. Don't get me wrong, I'm of the opinion that the candy cane path leads to the chocolate sunrise and circumstances notwithstanding may actually be a wielder of truth, justice, and the American way. But why the American way?

I found myself lying next to the American dream once. She left a bad taste in my mouth when I kissed her sun stained lips. Her sin was bleached like the whitest piece of lined parchment. She had a smoker's lung in her left hand and a cigarette in her right. She led men to their demise by simply offering them their hearts worst imaginable fantasy. For a man, you see, dreams of such fierce things that even the least wicked of these would cause a schoolgirl's eyes to blush.

The red was more vibrant than anything I'd ever seen!

So let's hypothesize or theorize, if you will, that when the Sun sets the Moon takes it's place like a skeletal monster hanging ominously in the night sky taunting the wolves and the coyotes with promises of sexual gratification. I need to be in bed. It must be the lunar cycle.

I burst forth from my clothes as the lychanthropy took control. I slashed and tore at the sheets as the vampires descended. They had no right to the Blood God . . . He was mine!

Thank you.

-Scritch out

The Undead and You

It is a true and universal truth that zombies indeed wish to eat your brain.

What do we know about the reanimated corpses of the ones we love?

We know that they should be six feet below the ground being devoured by time and tiny organisms, but for whatever reason they find themselves on their feet mucking about in search of the only thing that seems to satisfy them . . . human flesh. For whatever reason, someone decided that it was typical of reanimated bodies to desire the flesh of the living. I suppose this wouldn't be a huge stretch of the imagination. We as human beings naturally desire that which we cannot have should it really be any different for the reanimated dead?Whether it be for demonic purposes, voodoo magic, or some creepy corporation trying to make people better, zombies seem to be rising (pun intended).

In the case of Sam Raimi's Evil Dead trilogy, the evil deadites (as they're known in Army of Darkness) are demonically possessed corpses hell bent on world domination. Why? Who knows!?! These zombies seem to break the mold a little bit in the sense that they don't appear to be trying to om nom nom whoever they come in contact with. Instead, they take the higher path of just scaring the living Hell out of Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell) while on their way to World freaking Domination.

Whereas the stereotypical Romero zombie would simply be inclined to eat the nearest person in the vicinity. These zombies are unintelligent, nonchalant, feeding machines and whether they mean to or not are trying to take over the world or at least exhaust their dwindling food supply.

Now, the scariest freaking zombies in my personal opinion, the zombies from 28 days later . . .

These zombies fit pretty well into the Romero mold where the disease is passed through bodily fluids (biting, scratching, spitting, etc.) save for a detail that keeps me awake at night. These zombies can run . . . fast. They rush and swarm their targets overwhelming with such fierce rage and violence that all you can really do is yelp and be torn to ribbons by the throng of violent murderous freaking zombies.

Now for my least loved zombies, the evil corporate zombies. Case in point, Resident Evil. An evil corporation decides to make a super-drug that makes everyone better in every imaginable way. This is a very dangerous move, because now if anything goes awry . . . everyone dies . . . and then everyone is reanimated . . . and then everyone eats everyone . . . and everyone dies . . . sort of. (See Foamy the squirrel)

Am I the only one who thinks that these hypothetical drugs are just contrived and unwise? Not possible. There had to have been at least one person who stood up at the board meeting and said, "Hmm. Perhaps we shouldn't try to screw around with nature? Maybe we shouldn't give an experimental drug to people that may or may not turn them in to incomprehensible killing machines?"

Perhaps . . . but perhaps that person was hot on sight for daring to suggest such a thing especially since there was money to be made! Congratulations, Mr. Big Shot CEO of unnamed corporation you suck at life and you've doomed us all! Mr. Stand up to the man. We salute you!

My advice? Zombies are a very fictitious and ominous threat! We need to be prepared just in case.

As for my fellow Christians who think God wouldn't allow a zombie apocalypse, I respond"Don't put my God in a box!'

Arm yourself!

Buy a copy of The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks and memorize it as soon as possible!

Also, get your hands on some good close range weapons: machetes, axes, swords, etc.

Guns are good but are as only as effective as the ammunition you possess. I suggest you stock up but always have an auxiliary weapon that runs on concentrated rage and tremendous amounts of kick ass.

If you feel so compelled, it would also be wise to invest in a cabin or a house with limited access in low population areas and in the case of a zombie apocalypse, bunker down and pray for a quick end whatever that may be.

I am as prepared as I can be on Christian college campus . . . are you?

-scritch out

Time Perpetually Lost

In the Garden of Eden there were two people. Both man and woman were born into ignorance and both born into bliss. The Garden created by God met the basic needs of the couple and for the most part, the pair was happy. Malcontent, however, bled into their hearts when they were offered the delightful looking morsels that hung from the ever forbidding Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

With hands raised high and common sense remarkably low, the two decided to ignore their creator and to instead partake of the forbidden fruit. When they did this they opened the metaphorical Pandora's Box and sin crept into the world like a dying man might creep along the ground as he slowly bleeds to death. The repercussions were almost immediate. God being the Holy God that He is could no longer suffer the couple to be in the Garden (a place of paradise) with sin inside of them.

So He did what every other god in his situation would do. He punished them.

The man, the woman, the snake, the ground, and essentially all of creation was changed due to the simple act of plucking a piece of fruit off of a tree. With the curse, however, there shined a single beacon of light. God told Adam and Eve that one day the bite of the serpent would no longer be as fierce. One day mankind would overcome.

Because of this folly, every child since has been born into the sinful nature and deserving of death eternal.

But a simple child? A baby that can't tell his mouth from his poozer (thank you)?

Yes, a baby. Born into a life that they could not possibly understand worthy of damnation from the very beginning of its existence to the day is breaths it last is deserving of eternal damnation due to our fallen state.

The reasons consistently seem to be allusive, but we know from scripture that we are indeed, fallen.

This begs the question: "Where do babies go when they die?"

Babies are too young to determine right from wrong, right?

They don't have enough time to sin shouldn't that negate their nature somehow?

Isn't God a merciful loving God?

But isn't he also a God of justice?

I know women who have lost babies. I know fathers who've watched their children die.

How could one possibly tell a grieving parent that their child is burning in Hell? Certainly, not I.

I, for one, don't believe that I'd have to.

Arguments like this could produce novels of information and I merely bring it up now because its what I happen to be thinking about this very instant.

So take this information with a grain of salt and now this is my humble opinion.

Here we go.

Adam and Eve were born into ignorance. An ignorance that allowed them to live free of sin. Their willful act caused them to receive damnation for it. I'm not saying that we are also born like that. I do, in fact, believe that without the grace of God no one can receive eternal reward. I am merely suggesting that perhaps children are born into an ignorance too.

Had Adam and Eve died in the garden (pre-Fall) what would've happened to them? Would their souls have meandered to heaven because they had nowhere else to go? I would imagine yes. They didn't know evil. Would it them be safe to assume that a baby, born into ignorance of good, would meander to Hell because they had nowhere else to go? Logic says "yes." This is where the theory of "age of accountability" comes in.

Ezekiel 18:20 says “The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him.” Every man will have to give an account to God for what they did on this Earth. A child does not really have the choice to accept Christ and what’s more is they don’t have the choice to accept sin. If whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, then obviously a baby would perish because of their lack of opportunity to believe in Him, but would a loving God who so loved the world that He gave his one and only son who was a part of Him be just enough to condemn a soul that never had the chance to accept salvation.

We choose damnation. God has ultimately given us that choice and as a baby we only possess the knowledge of evil and we are naturally born into that knowledge because of original sin, as we grow older we are taught good and then when we possess the knowledge of good and evil we then have the choice to make good or evil decisions. I would theorize that like Adam and Eve were born innocent into good, we are naturally born innocent into evil and until we possess the knowledge of good and evil we can not choose salvation or damnation. I believe that God looks upon babies and children as innocent of their sin because they’re naturally born into said sin with ignorance.

Are we all sinners without hope? No.

Are we all sinners in need of a desperate encounter with God? Yes.

Thoughts over.

It's late.

I think your babies aren't burning in Hell.

-scritch out