I'm talking about . . .

. . . feelings.

There came a place and a time in my life when I came to a conclusion . . . feelings just weren't worth the effort. What brings this topic up at 4:21 a.m.? The movie Leap Year. I know what you're saying . . . What in God's name were you doing watching a chick flick that early in the A.M. Two words . . . Chip Monelli. Oy. So anyway I digress.

Anyway, once again I have found myself in a precarious place. My insides feel rusty, misused, and covered in dust. It sort of feels like the machinations that make up the clockwork of my heart are missing a few cogs. I've wanted so badly again to feel, but I don't remember why. I've tried to improve my mood and the way I behave around people, but my kindness has been misunderstood.

My conclusion: Being kind only leads to being mean.

My reason: You can't be kind to people because they will always suspect an ulterior motive. So in the end, my pessimism may win out. The very people who tried to convince me that be optimistic and kind are the very ones who've now helped to convince me that maybe its just not worth it. I don't know if I can put any kind of theological argument in here to strengthen my case, and this is all more than likely a result of my own bitterness and current distress.

All in all . . . kindness is splendid . . . I just don't know if it works well for me.

I need a complicated, high maintenance girl . . . fml

-Scritch out

They should write a book about me . . .

It seems that I cannot escape my own thoughts. No matter how hard I try and no matter how far I run, it seems that I come right back around to me. I am consumed with my own wants and needs. I am sometimes no better than a devout LeVayin Satanist in how self-serving I am. I'm told that its human nature to look out for one's best interest but I don't know if I can believe that. I think that when God placed human brings within the garden, He did so with the intent that they would serve and be served only by others. We also see how in the New Testament church how everyone served everyone in whole hearted godliness in order to survive.

It's difficult to imagine that I belong to the same belief system that my forerunners did. I know that todays culture essentially requires me to not have full faith within my christian counter parts because not all are as they seem, but it nonetheless wears on me how modernized and desensitized I've become by my culture and it goes deeper than just entertainment. I think that at a base level I have allowed myself to buy into a lie.

A lie that says I need to look out for my best interest while everyone else does the same. I know that as a Christian I am called to serve others but it's just more convenient to serve myself. According to the way things are supposed to be, my brothers and sisters should meet my needs as God meets theirs and I meet theirs as God meets mine, but people are just so inconsistent that I can't really rely on them and likewise I am so inconsistent that people can't rely on me.

In the early church, everyone piled their belongings and met everyones needs as they came. We'd call that socialism and it only works in theory. (And I am by no means condoning Socialism in any form)

My thoughts are cluttered and hard to to define, but I can't help but realize just how blind I am. No matter how badly I want to live in an ideal Christian world where we all serve each other in beautiful Christian unity, I know that it really isn't plausible in today's society. Which is heart breaking because I'd wager that they knew a deeper relationship with Christ and with each other than you or I will ever know . . .

"They should write a book about you [me] because you're [I'm] so selfish it's funny."

-Showbread

-Scritch out